World's Best

 Sorry the lack of sex, violence, gore, boobs of cutting wit - Just had to get something off my chest. If anybody recognizes themselves in the following, then I am most humbly sorry in advance, and will naturally recompense for any offense caused. Oh, and why are you looking at TG sites by the way?        

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After yet another unsuccessful season Chelchester City owner Vladimar Marx had had enough, he called  leaders from sports pshycooigy fields, geneticists, heath and fitness experts, hypnotherapists and behavioural trainers, along with his coaches and manager to a secret meeting.

Ladies and gentlemen, enough is enough! I have put £100 million pounds into this football club, and for what? I tell you for what for nothing! Well no more! You hear me? You, leaders in your fields will produce the perfect footballer. His physique, mental acuity, skill level, desire, stamina and understanding of the game will he unsurpassed among today’s players. In short, gentlemen and ladies, you will build for me the worlds’ best footballer. You will have unrivalled facilities and limitless financial resources.  I will see Chelchester on top of the world!!

Six months of intensive worked followed. A prototype footballer, Terry Cole, was produced who was unerringly accurate with his shooting, aware without looking where his teammates were positioned, had a limitless capacity to run, always maintained his balance, was immune to panic, had increased physical strength and followed his managers orders precisely. A film of him in private training was sent to Vladimir, who was immeasurably impressed with what he saw. He arranged to visit the 'Academy of Excellence' where the player was produced.

        

He looked down in the medical lab, wires measuring his heart rate, breathing and mental activity. Well, he looks the part certainly, but any advantage he gives us will be lost if other clubs find out our little 'training methods', will he be able to blend in with other players and be accepted as a normal, if much better, player? Will he fit in?

Oh yes Mr Marx, he has had implanted certain thought patterns that are prevalent in other top players , a similar vocabulary and we have given him interests that will integrate him seamlessly.

Good. Well, unplug him and wake him up and let us speak to our new 'signing'.

Good day Mr Cole, how are you?

'oh, right.Hi, like, well, yeah I'm ok, yeah.Good. Like as I was saying, I mean, on the whole, at the end of the day, Im ok, one match at a time, know what I mean? well, y'know eager like, to get y'know stuck in, with the lads, right, thats what I was saying, y;know. Hey! who's the crumpet? Hiya darling, fancy a shag? no? well piss off then ,allright? Yeah, y'now, some birds eh? Well, plenty of others aint there, bit of a slag anyway I spose, know what I mean? Is the gaffer here, I wanna new contract, y'now £150,000 a week is a bloody insult like man. Slave wages that is, know what I mean. Anybody seen me Rolls? I left it in the disabled space, as you do, like. Vlad mate, know to any y'know, good stripclubs 'round here'.

Vladimir turned to the assembled experts. 'Yes, he will fit in perfectly perfectly'